The White Guy Pimpin' FAQ

So Why Haven't More White Guys Been Pimps Without Gub'ment Intervention?

I knew this would come up. I don't think it's racism, but black pimps have told me that most white guys genetically lack the charisma necessary to be pimps. Obviously I made it so you can too. It may just take some extra work.


Why Is Pimpin' Illegal?

No one knows. In all of the old movies they have ho's and there can't be ho's without pimps. The mayor, the sheriff -- everybody hung out with the ho's. Look at James Arness in "Gunsmoke" -- he was always with a ho -- and he was the first guy off the boat at Anzio!! So if American war heroes can hang out with ho's, you can too. Somewhere between "Gunsmoke" and today pimpin' became illegal, even in Massachusetts.


Why Do Ho's Need A Pimp?

Why does the sun come up? It's a mutual relationship. Ho's need a business manager and there's nobody better than a pimp. If pimps had been running Enron the company would still show no earnings but the investors would all be wearing 'Gators and diamond-rimmed sunglasses.


Was Huggy Bear A Pimp?

No. He was an actor, like Tupac.


Is Pimpin' An Older Profession Than Ho'in?

If ho'in is the world's oldest profession, pimpin' must surely be the second oldest. The Bible makes ample references to ho'in and also alludes to pimps. "Do not ho out thy daughter, to cause her to be a ho, lest the land fall to ho'dom, and the land become full of wickedness," warns Leviticus 19:29. See? Even that Leviticus guy was a pimp. And if the Bible tells you so, pimpin' must be okay.


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Caliph Al-Hakim - Pimp Rating: 6

Old School Playa, circa 1000 AD.
Muslam or Islims or whatever is the perfect religion for pimps because we get to be all peaceful and shit until it's time to knock heads. Calpih Al-Hakim was the mack daddy of Egypt in his day.




We're always a little confused about Islims, though, because they keep putting pictures like this in the newspaper.



However, Al-Hakim is cool because they didn't have newspapers, so when he wanted to ban chess or women's shoes ( and he did ) he just said, "Bitch, you can't have no shoes" and without shoes she went. And thanks to him, we have cool places like this to stay when we visit the Arab ho's:



The Caliph would rank higher except he punished brothers who was just trying to get a payday by having a one of his slaves, Masoud, sodomize them. That's just harsh. Hate the game, dude.

posted by Chief Scientist at 8:14 AM

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